Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
