Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
