Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
