So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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