So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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