Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
