I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
