Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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