only you would photoshop your dick
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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