Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
