checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
