please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
