Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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