He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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