trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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