woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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