Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
