This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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