is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
