Your mouth is God's brothel.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
