life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
