If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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