Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
