i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Duck Duck Cougar?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
