He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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