Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
