You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I love you.
Bad choice
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
