i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
