i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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