I will die if light touches me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
