Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
