i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
