I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
