Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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