The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
