I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
