This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
