I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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