I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
