I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
