Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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