My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
