I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
