i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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