Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
