note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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