so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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