So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
