ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
operation have a gay friend backfired
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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