i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
there is puke in my bra ... again
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
