remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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