thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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