The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
