I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
